Bound forever, these dark chains engulf me

She left just like I thought she would, I knew no matter how understanding I was. It would end in time, heh.

Foolish man you are, time to draw back into yourself, heal, heal, understand.


Now more then ever do you need to understand, fix the madness moving about you..

Slowly working on completly changing the Journal how I'd like it. Switched to a paid account as well, though oddly none of my CSS has gone through into the layouts. Idk, it's obviously going to take more then what I have time for tonight to get it set up how I"d really like it. But I got a few ideas, and hopefully in the next few days, especially since I've really been wanting to write a lot more. We'll see how things go..


Just really tired, and blah so I"m just going to lay down, goodnight.

I find myself trying to find a proper place in the world. In my own life, after everything thats happened, it seems both me and my roomate are having trouble finding our 'place' in the world. He really wants to go to school, and me I simply want to 'be' again. Be the man who was so happy, full, and complete. I start Martial arts soon, the beginning of January and I'm really hoping it'll give me the structure I so need right now. But who's to say if it will be what I need? That Meditation school in Raleigh, I would /love/ to go. But it doesn't really seem like it'll be something I can do sometime soon. Living in Chapell Hill for 3 months doesn't seem very probable at this point in time. I keep getting these really odd 'nightmare-type' daydreams whenever my mind is allowed to drift without normal thoughts occupying it. I go back to the same day, the same point, the same minute. October 26th, 2007. Right after the taxi left there. I remember the rampage, and me destroying every concevable thing I could find in my house. Collapsing and weeping, harder then I ever have in my entire 23 years of life. Then it jumps to a week later, when I left my house for the first time...in god knows how long...


I'm not sure what they all mean, but I know they are driving me insane...


I need to find peace...somehow...someway..


god knows I do..


I've also decided that I'm done tripping. Christmas and surrounding time being the first time I've done it in a very long time. I find that while I've always done it for it's enlightening factor. If continued use is done, it'll simply be a crutch and not something I've used for self introspection, and further progression of my subconcious and self 'persona'.


We'll see how the next few months go, and we'll see how life can be set on track.


I want to fix 'her' as well. We are so very much alike, and I will be honest in saying it brightens my heart so much to see her smile and truly happy. So lets see what I can do...lets see whats left of me to help her, and at the same time, help each other..



We'll just have to see, won't we...?

I'm going to look at all this in the morning and probably wonder wtf? lol but we'll see.

I can't wait to go watch this movie, seeing what I'm hearing will be a simply fantastic and amazing thing.


Buying The Fountain was one of the best decisions I've ever had.


The build up is intense, streaming off, eyes closed things seem to go apart, speckled blocks simply floating within th eworl. Dont' like opening my eyes, simply seems to dull the effect. It's truly amazing. WAtching each one interchange with the other. I feel safe, happy, comforted, Enlightneed. And honeslty thats what I'm looking for Wisdom, and Enlightenment I need both right now...so badly.


This next year has to make me sie, I need to grow I need to become who I am.


I can hear the tinkling of bells in teh approach, the faintness of them in teh music
I see lovers embracing, making love, crying, dying, laughing, loving.

I melt in it all, a light of brightness, engulfs me...my sensess...and eeverything I may possibly be...


But it's there....it's me...who I am...whole..


Not interested in opening my eyes for the moment...typing i typing ignored for the moment.


I'm honestly suprised my hand can keep up with the sensory information I'm recieving from my brain lol. And I can not spell at all so it's interesting lol.

It hits me all at once, the beauty of it


The amazing spectactular thrill of it. All at once....Three doses will be amazing, mind blowing....I will see myself...my life...and all that I am by then...I know it.



I will find myself in this year...I will.


I leave at this one last note as I go to watch the fountain


Love is all we have...it really is


So precious and so...utterly destroying.

This is why I love tripping so much. Not only does it help to see things I normally wouldn't see. But it also allows me to take a indepth look at my life in a far different perpective then what I normally thought possible.

And while the grammer of it and the structure may lets be honest pretty much suck. I can Really take it down layer by layer on just who I am, why I'm here, and what the whole purpose of what it all is. Christ I've had a lot of livejournals, a lot of different things 'recording' my life. But after everything thats happened, I'm pretty lost really. I had a plan set out, a plan..I had finally found 'her' my darling baby girl. And things were well right. And Jacob even listened perfectly well to me. I was contently happy in settling down and having 'that life' faimly, kids. Hell I asked her to marry me? Eventually marriage yeah...What was I thinking right? Well everyone who asks me, everyone who tires to really understand, let me put it in a different perspective for you. Close your eyes for a moment just drift...find that place in yourself, you know that plce, where everything just seems to be 'perfect' just for you, even for those few briefest moments. It was like that...Execpt all the time, constantly. Love.

That's what it was...love...uncondtionally, whole-heartidly, and in every type of way.


And in a brief flash it was gone. I'm not sure how one even comes from such things, even harder the man I am now, and what I've learned. A 'daddy' looking for his 'little girl' again. I'm so new and unlearned to all this S&M stuff, where do I know where to find another 'little one' that fits? Things simply aren't that easy especially these days.
I really don't even know where to start looking, hell I'm not really ready to start looking...2 months, christ I don't even know what I"m doing. But it's obvious she's having no problem moving on with her life...so it seems I should as well.

But after 2 years...and everything we had...it's not the easiest thing in the world....it's really not. I find myself thinking "would have it been easier before she came down? (came to live with me) " "no"

Regardless what happened I'm happy for the the time we got to have...I"m not sure wtf it was but it was ours, and it was perfect. And in for those briefest of moments I was happier then I have ever been in my life.


Now I'm not sure what the hell I am


A moving soul drifting to nothingess perhaps. Call me a lost spectre, haunting, drifting, discarded. Who knows, but here I am again.


Trying it all again....the sake...for love....Why? God knows why because we all wish to fend off lonliness right? No because we hunger off torment...


Wrong still...

Because love is what pushes it, drives us, keeps us...sustains us...



And god do I love it...



And I hate it with every ounce of my body...



I hate it...


I love it...

I've decided to make this journal for a variety of reasons. Everything that has happend in the last two months I mean I /need/ to write, I think a lof of the reasons I have my ulcers is because I'm keeping it all inside and by doing so it's eating me alive. Another reason...I've learned so much about myself while I was with her. But one of the most important things I've learned about myself is my very deep attachment to S&M. Not so much the pain aspect but the D/s. I got so used to her calling me 'daddy'...Nothing has ever fit so right in my life. Our Dom/Sub lifestyle was perfect everything fit so perfectly. I'm a daddy who's lost his little girl...A Dom who's lost his sub and it's eaten me....my first little girl lost....And now I'm single again and suppose to pick up where I left off...where do I even start dear god what do I even do?

This journal will forever remain private from those who actually know me in real life. Many aspects of me they know little about, my Dom lifestyle especially. This journal will be recording the days, months, years that I heal from the most grevious wound I've ever taken. And my search for another 'little girl' or sub you might say. Moving on...living...understanding how to go on when you thought you have very simply something perfect.



I feel so bound...so lost...so held back. I do not feel sorry for myself, I simply feel 'sorrow'. I want to understand what's to come...and I want to be able to fully 'feel'. Again, I hope these words will be a testimony to all of that. Let us hope...dear lord let us hope...


- Morhion